Every day, most of us do something morally indefensible -- we go about our lives without sending help to the 6.9 million children under the age of 5 who will die this year from poverty-related disease. In today’s talk, philosopher Peter Singer makes the case that ignoring these kids is as inhumane as ignoring a child who's been hit by a car on the street in front of you.
Considering Effective Altruism is going to significantly affect the rest of my life, it feels appropriate to write about it at least once. Effective Altruism is helping others in the greatest (most effective) way possible. From the premises that not all charities do as much good as each other, and that we should try to do more good, it follows that there is something to be looked into here. Indeed, not only are some charities not as good as each other, but there is a factor of thousands to play with. You can reasonably say that giving £1 to somewhere is better than giving £1000 to somewhere else.
A quick illustration of this is in the case of blindness. There is a charity in America which trains blind dogs for around $50,000, improving the quality of life for a blind person. Or, for $50,000, 2,600 years of Trachoma-induced blindness could be prevented. If we say the average recipient of a blind dog will use it for 10 years – perhaps a substantial over-estimate given the lifetime of a dog – one charity does 260 times the good. In fact, it does more, since a blind dog only helps with blindness, as opposed to curing it. Applying this principle further, there are charities even less effective and, more importantly, even more effective.
What does this mean in practice? There are some very effective interventions out there. The most effective charity*, the Against Malaria Foundation, saves a life for around $2,500 (which is a rather pessimistic figure). The estimate for a single year of healthy life is $50-100. So when faced with the decision to, say, get a wardrobe full of nice clothes, that could cost $400. Or I could have much more basic clothes for $100, give the rest to charity, meaning that other people gain 3-6 years of healthy life. When it’s put like that, I find it difficult to justify spending on myself. In fact, giving to charity may even be better from a selfish perspective – the pleasure of gaining a nice wardrobe is, for me, negligible compared to the satisfaction of knowing the good I’ve done.
*This isn’t strictly true. For example, I volunteer for a charity which advocates the most effective charity. So at a very pessimistic estimate, every $1 given raises $6 for the most cost-effective charities (which is a simple illustration of why fundraising is good, and overhead costs are misleading). But it would be rather odd for a meta-charity like this to recommend giving to itself, even if it is true.
There are a couple of criticisms to this approach. One general point is that it bases itself off a utilitarian approach, and thus has a number of contentious points.
For me, yes. You could argue that their lives are worth slightly less, especially with factors such as low life expectancy. The issue with this is two-fold. First, I previously mentioned “a year of healthy life” (look up DALY if you’re interested), and this already takes such factors into account – so one DALY is the same irrespective of the person receiving it (if all humans are as valuable). Secondly, in practical terms, it’s likely that whatever your valuation of different people it’s still better to help those in developing countries. The most effective interventions are fairly exclusively in developing countries as they are health related. Thus, even if you value people around you something like 5 times as much, it’s still better to help those in developing countries via the most effective interventions. And if you value people around you more than 5 times as much (I don’t know the exact estimate, but I would suppose around 10 at a very rough pessimistic guess), then this perhaps won’t work for you.
In terms of duty, I also disagree. My duty is to humanity, not to those who happen by chance to be geographically close to me. If this is not the case for you, then it is still important to consider how much more important those around you are – does this duty make people around you 5 times as valuable? Perhaps even infinitely more valuable? I find these positions hard to take, but that’s a fundamental belief rather than anything rationale can try and argue with.
Correct, and I suspect I will apply it to an almost obsessive extent when I have greater autonomy. It doesn’t detract from the main point though, that good can be done. To be an effective altruist is to support the most cost-effective charities (whichever you consider them to be), and to have a substantial commitment to show this. Thus you don’t have to “be a saint”, in Peter Singer’s words (he’s a high-profile moral philosopher, who’s perhaps the most famous effective altruist), to be an effective altruist; 10% of income is clearly still a substantial commitment and leaves some luxury for nearly everyone in the developed world.
I’m unable to think of further criticisms, which does not mean there are not more. But I think it is inescapable that, if the aim is to increase happiness, and that is best done via specific interventions in the developing world, then we should fund charities providing those interventions.
If you’re interested in finding out more, there are a number of relevant websites:
There are a few others, but the above provide interesting reading (particularly the first three). If there are any questions I’d like to hear them!
The last few weeks have, from my recollection, been some of the worst I’ve ever had. At the end of term I regularly felt that I couldn’t be bothered to do anything – even extending to things like eating meals. I was misanthropic in a depressed way, rather than an arrogant one, as well as highly irritable and restless. Not only did I repeatedly push back work deadlines, I flat out didn’t do an essay in the last week of term. Considering how highly I value motivation, this is very worrying for me.
I’ll attempt to describe events in order to give some structure. In 7th week, I first saw a counsellor. I didn’t really have many qualms in doing so – it’s either helpful and thus good to do, or not and I lose out on very little. As it was the first session it had very little therapy and much more to do with trying to work out, from her perspective, what is going on. I was pushed towards group therapy for procrastination and self-esteem, but I declined both (in a polite way). My procrastination is not in and of itself the issue, I think it represents greater underlying issues. I also think the low self-esteem is simply a misdiagnosis. Perhaps it’s lower than it “should” be (is there even a set level of self-esteem one should have?), but I attribute this to two things. Firstly my propensity to over-think things, and secondly my desire for self-improvement. The former is something I am working on a little, but is still fairly fundamental to who I am. The latter means that I’m acutely aware of my failings relative to the ideal self I wish to create. The counsellor did also say that maybe there is a tendency to “over-philosophise” things, which is perhaps true, but considering it’s difficult for me to see things outside such a framework it isn’t a particularly useful concept to think about.
One last thing she considered – which also lead into an appointment with the college doctor – is being underweight. I think this is possibly the most important factor. I’ve always been in denial about being underweight, perhaps for the following reasons. Firstly, my persistent poor fitness in the past has always made me feel inadequate in my capabilities and losing weight is, in some sense, an easy way to improve fitness. Secondly, and I think more importantly, is my reaction to my dad. For those who don’t know, he is rather large. Thus by living with him I’ve been aware of all the things that I don’t want to have difficulty with – walking up stairs, picking things up, not being involved in sport, and just downright looking less pleasant. Perhaps there’s some subconscious reaction to that. I always tend to think I’m chubby, irrespective of how my BMI reflects I’m underweight – and on a BBC scale a few months back, in the lowest few percentile in the UK for BMI. I am now more aware of my irrationality on this, so am going to make myself intake more and hopefully build in the process.
I haven’t fully explained why I think being underweight is so important in what is going on, so I shall do that now. I was given a handout on the effects by the college doctor, and I’ll paraphrase the most relevant points. Concentration is impaired; less interested in other things; poor mood, especially irritable; heightened obsessiveness; difficulty being spontaneous; inward-looking and self-focussed (this is somewhat in my personality, but it’s still done too much); withdraw socially. There also a few physical things, but I think the point is demonstrated.
The appointment with the college doctor was also horrendously awkward. She was extremely nice, but talking about suicidal thoughts can never, ever be pleasant – especially with questions like “have you thought about how you would commit suicide?”, answering yes and having to answer on it. I remember leaving feeling satisfied with how it went, but now my recollections are much more negative.
On getting back, I also saw a local GP (one I saw over Christmas, too). The day before I had decided to try and tackle depression with new effort, and he helped with this respect. He described how in most illnesses, particularly physical ones, we see ourselves as battling some separate force. But with depression it becomes so embedded in the mind it is no longer separate in the same way. I strongly resonate with this, and this helped me have a genuinely pleasant week free from depressive phases. It’s not that negative thoughts never come, but I can fight them off relatively quickly.
Unfortunately, pretty much the worst possible thing (excluding physical damage to myself) happened – my ex went into a new relationship. Before it felt as if within a month I’d be over my issues and I could really get on with things, but this stopped. I had an absolutely terrible evening on hearing the news; a friend said she would be breaking things, and I definitely wanted to do the same. It almost didn’t feel real considering all I know of this person has been associated either with a relationship or me wanting to be in one. The numbness, depression and lack of desire to do anything persisted for the best part of a couple of days.
That said, I feel remarkably fine about it now. At the time it did feel like the worst thing possible, but now it might just be a blessing. It’s too early to be sure but I think it will be a significant help in helping me move on, as I feel remarkably calm about the whole thing now. This was helped by questioning my own depressive thoughts on the issue; I will describe some of the thoughts and hope that it shows the irrationality in full force.
This doesn’t look quite as bad as I thought it would – there are probably other thoughts I have forgotten. I won’t remember them, either, as for several days I haven’t had any such thoughts – I sometimes find enjoyment by actually criticising them. I think this is probably a crucial thing for me to be happy, as my thoughts will inevitably be frequent – so I need a defence mechanism, which is that of rationality.
I should also add that, in this event, there was one of the greatest co-incidences I can remember. The evening of the news, someone started talking to me. Eventually the reason became pretty clear, which was that he wanted emotional support. What about? Unrequited love. He also said “the thought of her being with someone else tears me apart”. As a peer supporter, you’re meant to listen and not give advice, and I succeeded in this respect. But it felt entirely morally wrong. He wanted to just “try and forget about the feelings” and continue to be friends. I tried this and it lead to a path of pain I wish upon no-one, and to let someone else go on such a path absolutely feels wrong. I do believe in the value of making mistakes, but that doesn’t mean they should actively – or in this case, passively – encouraged. I will bring this up when I next go to peer supporter training.
Overall, though, things are looking up. I can’t be sure about how my anxiety issues are since I don’t have deadlines to meet. My depression is, I think, significantly improving. The main issue left is being unable to concentrate on work, whether it be academic or volunteering. Hopefully by eating more this will fix itself, to an extent. I plan to give myself another week or two’s break, irrespective of the impact on my academic work, as I will have the potential to do well enough with the remaining time – and my mental health is more important, especially at what I consider a critical stage.
I can’t think of an appropriate start, so this’ll have to make do.
On Sunday I had my most difficult set of questions in for that evening. I naturally had left it all to the last day which, when combined with a deadline, is perfect for anxiety to take control. The nature of my course is that there are a few difficult questions, meaning that often there is either full progress or none in a question. As soon as it appears I won’t make any, I’ll try and avoid it (entirely natural to avoid what’s partially causing the anxiety) which then makes me feel bad for not doing the work and more anxious about whether I’ll make the deadline.
This got very serious at times. Thoughts have gotten as bad as “I want to die, but there would be too much suffering from others if I killed myself”, “I’m lying to my parents that I’m happy, this is how bad things are getting” and “I’m emotionally disconnected from literally everyone”. I can comfortably say it was the worst experience I’ve had in my memory. There is such a sense of powerlessness – I genuinely believe these things are true, I can’t change that, so I’m left with so little.
So after having such terrible thoughts, on Monday I was trying to do more of the exercises while having two problem sheets in for Wednesday. On top of that the physical symptoms of anxiety and depression played up, making me extremely restless at times and at others very low on energy, as well as having regular stomach upsets. The negative thoughts were around but not emotionally felt to the extent they were on Sunday.
I can’t really believe how well I came out of it though. The logic work I’d done half of turned out to be not much to catch up on (nor would I have gained much by working harder). The tutor completely understood and was in some sense pleased that I was worrying over my work – and the work I had done was of good quality. Also I was by some miracle given an extra day to do the other two problem sheets – alleviating so much difficulty. That work was then also fairly good and I’m past the deadlines for the week so am relieved.
Once I had found out about the extended deadline and insignificance of not fully doing the work my week was remarkably good. I was really positive and felt happy about things. Not truly satisfied – I still have underlying issues of course. But I was living a happy and normal life – like I seem to for 90% of the time when not stressed from work.
In amongst this there is a strong link between going to social events and suffering a depressive episode. When I went with a friend to the Jewish Society, I had a depressive episode afterwards; after watching a film with friends I had another, and most recently meeting up with a few friends very nearly caused one. I’m not sure what to make of this – perhaps being around a normal social occasion makes me feel aware of how distanced I can be from other people at times. But when the episode starts to come about there’s no real thoughts attached to it, so I ought not to really speculate about some deeper meaning when it’s most likely an emotional reaction – for whatever reason.
What’s most frustrating in all of this is the complete inability to tell if I’m making progress. I can be happy and then the day after have a suicidal phase. I maintain the belief that I can get through this, but there is a sense that this could go on for my entire life. It’s daunting in some way, so I must not dwell on it, no matter how much my anxiety wishes to focus on the worst case scenario.
I’ve wanted to blog for a while as it’s been a turbulent week, but all of the thoughts I would want to write about are forgotten by the morning. I will therefore summarise what I think has happened to me, in terms of my mental health, then describe several events in the past week and hope that they trigger the thoughts that I had before.
Back in January 2010, I first went into a depressive phase. Thoughts focused entirely on everything being pointless and that I was worthless, partially as a result of upcoming GCSEs. It involved crying most nights but little going on in the day – part of the issue was that whenever I went to bed I knew it was the time when I was upset, so I became upset. After 6 months or so this subsided, after GCSEs.
Then to replace mild depression (in the clinical sense, albeit not diagnosed; I am fairly sure no-one would ever call their depression mild) I had a swing way too far the other way into arrogance. I felt as if I was better than everyone else, that if they were better than me at something they were fortunate, or that it just didn’t matter. I was intolerant and intolerable but managed to maintain a social group. I think because I wasn’t someone that was easily approachable, and that the people I was friends with needed friends themselves, that they never thought twice about moving away from me. Maybe they did like me for my sense of humour etc., but I feel that beyond being insulting and sarcastic (‘banter’) I didn’t really contribute that much.
This quickly reversed when I got into a relationship. No longer was I the best, instead it was her. It was effectively depression, except that instead of being pointless I had one – and only one – reason to live. I was horribly insecure and being wrecked from the inside, thinking about her every 5 or 10 minutes (even in school), wanting to burst into tears and living a 24-hour day for at most a 2-hour Skype call. When we met up I was worried the entire time about what to do, everything was forced and so nothing ever worked. But each time this happened the next one would be the time it would work. I questioned whether the relationship was good for me a couple of times, but of course it wasn’t her so I shouldn’t break up. I never seriously considered it, but the thoughts did enter my mind.
Once things ended I tried to keep in touch as I felt I couldn’t go without her but soon I realised this wouldn’t work. We went no contact for a bit and in this time I had something close to an epiphany (see: “A Change of Worldview”). My mindset was completely changed in an instant, from depressed and suicidal to absurd optimism. But this was not based on strong grounds, I had not gotten over her. I had been upset, which is clearly insufficient, yet felt that it would just never improve and I would just get over her anyway whilst talking to her.
Within half a month or so I had completely fallen for her again and for the next 4 months, I was the happiest I’ve ever been despite having no real evidence to suggest it was reciprocated. I asked about/mentioned it a couple of times but never was the answer no, rather “I don’t know” or just not wanting to talk about it, so my heart persisted. This ended at the beginning of term. I went back into being entirely arrogant and as such have wrecked my first impressions with my entire social group. I accept that quite a lot of my sense of humour involves being fairly sarcastic and insulting but last term that was all I ever did. It almost feels wrong to try and change that and I really don’t know how I can go about it, I can try (and have succeeded) to be nice to people and ask them how things are going, but I don’t think it will affect anything. They won’t notice the subtleties and probably won’t think of it as an attempt to be kind as my first impression says I’m not kind.
Towards the end of term this began to crack. I maintained fairly resilient by being entirely misanthropic, criticisms can’t get to me if they’re not from something worthwhile. It’s fairly impressive that the subconscious thinks to avoid criticism by making the entire human race devoid of meaning. That’s seemingly how far it felt I had to go to avoid what I am now and I can entirely understand why it was trying so hard to avoid it.
The system entirely cracked at some point over the holiday. I had made an extensive – and entirely unrealistic – holiday work plan which by day one I was behind and by day two I was a day behind. I kept telling myself the next day was the one, but it was always the same failure. On top of this I was forced to answer questions by saying things like “I don’t need people”, which started to really make me doubt my outlook on things. It didn’t go overboard until a few days later when I started having physical health issues as well as depressive phases. These were, and continue, to be of an angry nature at times. It’s not generally directed at anyone or anything, it’s just there, in the same way that I often feel like crying without having a specific reason to be crying.
The physical symptoms have since almost entirely subsided, in fact this happened a day or so after being certain I had an anxiety disorder. Some things continue, such as restlessness at times and at others entire fatigue. I exaggerate it sometimes, just because I want to feel helpless in some way. I want to feel as if my failures are justified so my condition must be exaggerated. I suppose this is part of anxiety, it’s not that I make a conscious effort to exaggerate things but I never try and stop it.
That’s the general overview, now to the last week. I had previously felt as if maybe my issues were going away, albeit with very little certainty as I haven’t had this for sufficiently long to know its nature. Then I went out with a friend to the Jewish Society (was invited) and met quite a few people but I felt quite out of place. Partially that was because of the religious aspect, though mainly it was social awkwardness on my part. It’s just way too frequently the case that I feel I have nothing to say.
Then on the way back I was told that I “shouldn’t try to change myself”. I was fairly close to speechless. The justification was that I (or anyone) “can’t be perfect”. I just completely disagree, if we can improve ourselves we should, and just because we can never be perfect doesn’t mean we can’t do better, indeed surely there is some imperative to do so. Perhaps that’s just me as I’m not fully content with myself whereas other people are and as such don’t have a need to change themselves, but I do. It was a fairly quick remark and not meant maliciously but it was still meant seriously. What also struck me was how the same person said before that I’m “snarky”. I agree, I was (am), but the two together are only reconcilable if being snarky is okay to be which I don’t think it is, at least not in the amount that I did/do it.
Of course this is a massive over-analysis and I’d like to point out that I do get on with this person and it’s not as if there’s just abuse hurled at me, it’s just that’s always going to be something I remember. Nevertheless it was important to mention as this helped to set off a fairly serious depressive moment that evening which lasted for over an hour and became very aggressive at times. I was then very tired the next day, which meant when I was walking past a friend I kind of just let myself lean onto a wall, much to her bemusement. I just said I was tired, she asked why. There was a slight hesitation before I said “don’t worry”. I couldn’t bring myself to lie and say it was a lack of sleep, yet in some sense she should be worrying as I am in a somewhat precarious position, so it could be argued I actually lied anyway.
Moving away from over-thinking, I then had the weekly work crisis. It didn’t cost too much sleep (although that’s partially because I didn’t even do an attempt at a couple of questions), but my behaviour became strange as a result of anxiety. The deadlines were Wednesday and my tutorial on the Tuesday finished late so I became very restless; I was eating dinner very quickly and shaking my leg. What was worst, though, was that even at the end of dinner I felt like going out for a long run. I didn’t, I maintained rationality in the midst of insanity, but it’s certainly not normal.
Since then I’ve had a couple of days of less work than is desirable and not much relaxation either. I’ve been functioning perfectly well in terms of day-to-day life, so no-one really knows what goes on ‘behind the scenes’. I’m content in this respect, in my ability to pass off as in an acceptable mental state. Is that really what my life is coming to? That I am able to pretend to be happy? Depression itself is depressing, and I need to break out of the cycle. I will see the nurse on Monday and see what’s recommended, in the meantime I hope to work so that I don’t go mental around the deadlines again.
There was a time about half a year ago when I was happy. If I wanted to be happy, I could be – all I needed to do was tell myself to be happy. It felt as if it were some higher form of existence, but I’m now aware of how unstable it was. I had the ability to force myself to be happy because of underlying circumstances which let me be happy. In the midst of less optimistic times this isn’t possible. I can remember myself telling someone to just force themselves to be happy, I convinced myself that they just hadn’t discovered how to live yet. How naive I was (and continue to be).
At any given moment, I can rationally convince myself that I ought to be happy – that’s very well-established. As I suppose everyone is aware, this doesn’t translate into emotions quite so easily. But even when I fail to make myself happy, I still retain some arrogant pride that I could be happy if I really tried, and that I just don’t want to. It’s just not true, though – if I could always make myself happy, then I ought to. It’s some human stubbornness which allows you to feel justified in suffering which is, at least, ameliorable. It’s a victim complex – it’s not my fault I’m unhappy/anxious, I have a genetic disposition. It’s not my fault I can’t make myself happy, I just don’t want to.
So what is the purpose of such a complex? Are we designed to have suffering in some circumstances, that it is nigh-on impossible to overcome without a change in circumstance? I think so, it makes some sense for us to feel pain so that we learn from it. But there ought to be some easier way to overcome this, with strong motivation even in the midst of bad circumstance. That motivation would be sufficient to change the person in whatever way the suffering is trying to achieve. Yet there is not, perhaps it has simply been safer to force man into suffering to learn, as the motivation has simply been too flimsy to ever rely on for change.
I must work out how to progress, yet there are two different approaches which come to mind. The first is to force happiness categorically all the time. It would allow myself to slip into ‘normality’, where one doesn’t really think about one’s emotions, but never into the emotional red. The second is to accept that change must be gradual and I have to embrace the pain but work hard to improve it in day-to-day life, by taking a positive attitude to a whole range of things. This would create a positive feedback loop which would in time give me greater happiness back.
Both seem to have issues. The first’s viability is completely in doubt – there’s always a sense of futility if I try to force emotions over a prolonged period of time. The second’s rather difficult to assess while ongoing; how do I know, in a week’s time, that I’ve made progress? It’s difficult enough to motivate when there’s a tangible goal in sight. I think it’s the more sensible of the two approaches, though, and ought to do little harm. I have the initial difficulty of forcing myself to be nice to people without them being sceptical, and to making them adjust their opinions of me. Happiness was never meant to be easy for me though, was it? Not in times like this at least.
In the words of one of my tutors, “all good people have something fucked up with them”. I have thought similar things in the past, although it’s rather arrogant. It’s rather like the victim complex, “I have mental health issues because I’m a good person”. It was always meant to be an exaggeration with an element of truth, which I can indeed see, but it’s not the sort of thought process I wish to trap myself in. I have to rise above my damned state in order to be what I want, or else risk letting myself slip into the sort of like the tutor has. The tutor’s absolutely lovely, but let’s say hygiene and tidiness are not strong points. Perhaps most pertinently he is single, which is something I feel I almost have to stop in order to be happy (which isn’t true, but the victim complex says it is).
I’ve said above that this is a time when I’m not meant to be happy. It’s not really that there’s much wrong on the surface – my physical symptoms of anxiety have pretty much gone overnight, I’ve done respectably in collections given the circumstances and I do have a fairly good friendship group. It’s just that pretty much no-one feels like a friend when you’re down, even though they clearly are. I also don’t strongly connect with anyone, something that probably isn’t persistent in those who aren’t entirely introverted. I might try talking to acquaintances and dive straight into deep conversation and see what happens. Indeed, that’s what the Oxford Muse Society does. I don’t want to go to it, though, as it’s excessively expensive, not something that is limited to being done in a society and comes across as pretentious. I completely get what they’re trying to achieve, but doing it over ‘cocktails’ or a three-course dinner with wine doesn’t seem like I’d come across the person I’d like to. I should probably try it once with an open mind, but I’ll leave that until I get a lot of other parts of my life sorted.
I retain belief that I will get to where I want to be in the end. I just have to accept and work with whatever unfavourable conditions there are in the meantime.
The blood test’s come back normal. My mum seemed pleased, and I guess she should be – nothing physical is (likely to be) wrong. But I’m really disappointed. It means, most likely, I have an anxiety disorder of some form. It would have been much easier for there to be a specific physical issue and to be some cure and to move on. As it is, I now have the difficulty of accepting there is something wrong with my mental state, which in turn makes it worse, before then going about solving it.
I’ve been very optimistic about the future and how to live life in the past. But now, quite often I feel that it’s too hard to have such an attitude. I face an uphill battle which I inevitably lose. There’s a part of me which wants to keep trying and eventually I’ll win, but there’s another part which feels it’d just be easier to stay in my current wreck of a state. Everything rational points towards it being worth the effort to try and change myself, to try and be optimistic. Yet, as emotions don’t listen to logic, this doesn’t happen.
I’ve also previously prided myself on the ability to make myself happy. Now I’m finding great difficulty in doing so; having an anxiety disorder makes it feel like I’m destined to be the way I am. I’m also wary of my scepticism towards behavioural treatments, as I’ve thought about things to the extent where any other way of thinking must be off. They’ve almost certainly dealt with people like me, I’m not likely to be as different as I feel I am, but it doesn’t feel like that’s the case. It feels as if I know me better than they can comprehend and whatever they’ll advise doesn’t apply to me. There’s such a great deal of irrationality in my emotions but seemingly little I can do about it.
I will try to be optimistic. I’m not incurable if I don’t want to be, I can help myself if I really want to. I can also be glad that some deeper-rooted psychological issue has come out so it can be sorted, so later I can be the person I want to be. This will pass. It will not affect my life, as I will get through it and I will do well in my work. I am writing these things I know to be true, it is now a matter of trying to get my to believe them. I do not know how long this phase will be, but it will be definite and once over I will be a better person for it.
For those who read the previous post and may have some concern about my health, I am fairly healthy at this point although it has been up and down. I’ve undergone a blood test (results late next week) and two (the first didn’t show anything) ECG‘s (which I don’t know when I get the results for, but I don’t suspect it’s heart related anyway (I should stop using so many brackets)). Organising the second ECG was rather hectic, but amusing. There was a lot of back and forth, consisting of about 8 phone calls, only to find out that the surgery sent it by e-mail when it has to be done by fax. They then said the next available date was in twelve days’ time, which is particularly unhelpful given I’ll be in Oxford. Luckily my mum works in a hospital, so it’s been informally done that way.
I’ve informed my tutors of the health issues, which has taken a massive burden off my shoulders. I do feel rather guilty, in some way, that despite health I really should have done more. I cannot escape this, but must try to get most, if not all of it done just to prove to myself that I will work hard if I wish to (at this point at least, my health is sufficiently good to work).
In terms of New Year’s Resolutions, I do suppose have one: don’t go on about how people can make resolutions any day and try to embrace that people are trying to make a positive change for themselves. I shan’t be making any myself as I think persistently about self-improvement, albeit not at the moment due to health restricting, so there wouldn’t be anything really new to add specifically on New Year’s Day other than by coincidence. I also wish to be flexible in my goals, for I could easily change my mind about what I wish to do or not do; say I wished to do something time-consuming, but then I find something I think is more worthwhile. Then, by making a resolution I am risking either breaking it or mismanaging my time. This is of course theoretical, and in practice if I had made a resolution a much greater issue would be sticking to it.
Beyond this, my mental state seems to be very strong, being both positive and realistic about myself. This isn’t all that impressive given that I’m currently in better health than recently and that I’m not really interacting with people all that much, so issues are substantially less likely to arise. Nevertheless, I am content despite issues at this point and am looking forward to the next series of Borgen next term.
A few of you may have had the delight of reading a post I made at 1:30 a few days ago, which I swiftly removed because I was in the midst of a mixture of physical and mental health problems (neither of which too serious, but more severe than I have experienced in a while). It was a very important lesson, for I now regard hindsight much more highly. Nevertheless, I shall seek to update on what I think is actually going on.
First, my most pressing concern is one of physical health. Once again, I’m pretty sure it’s not too serious, but it has strongly affected me. Today I had my third ‘episode’, which comprises of lying down for an extended period of time and feeling unable to do pretty much anything. The previous two, with the first falling on the day when the world ended, were much more severe than today’s. I generally feel quite light-headed and dizzy, more so than I probably should, but it gets increasingly worse and my heart starts to race. My heart race much less this time around, although I was much more tired than in the previous couple of incidents. I plan to see a GP on Monday, but this has rather affected running and work plans.
My mental health also had a rather large shock, partly as a result of the physical health issues and partly as a result of underlying existential concerns. At 1am I was so awake, despite trying to go to sleep, that I felt I wanted to go for a several mile run and that I could do anything. I settled for a set of press-ups, which was a much needed reality check on my physical capabilities, but seemingly nothing would satisfy my insatiable urge to do. In some way, I felt as if I wanted to break out from my body.
This followed from a period of depressive episodes, which also continued to an extent after this incident. Issues of the futility of existence and loneliness were most prominent, which came alongside more temporal issues of health and disappointment in myself. I think I am broadly past this, but I think I can only be fully past once I have my physical health fully sorted, for then I am fully able to do things which are fulfilling.
Despite all these issues, the last couple of days have been rather good because of talking to other (new) people. Yesterday I went to meet my brother’s fiancée’s family, which I suspected involving a lot of sitting there awkwardly whilst older people made conversation. Whilst undoubtedly this was true at times, they were really enjoyable people and I did enjoy being a part of all of it. I felt slightly out of place as it was a bit too upper-middle class (lots of candles, slightly posh voices, naming by ‘Mother’ rather than Mum), which rather contrasts with how I wish to live my life in future. That wasn’t a large concern, but I still feel it ought to be mentioned anyway.
Other than that, I’m slightly happier than I’ve been over the last few days. I hope for further improvement and some serious work at some point soon.
In my youthful naivety, I still have belief that people can, in general, be rationally persuaded to consider facts within their opinions. It feels that there would be some point where they’d realise it and have to take it into consideration, that moment where you realise you’re wrong. It’s rather leaves open the question, however, as to what would facilitate that realisation. It’s very easy (talking from experience) to just deny alternate views and dismissing them without really considering them. This is something which is clearly desirable to overcome.
Yet when I consider it, I’m one of the worst offenders. The above started out being written in a “Them and Us” fashion, separating myself yet again from this species known as humanity. It just feels wrong when someone disagrees with me. It’s different to when I was at my most arrogant, changing from “they’re wrong” to “something’s wrong”. Disagreements, though, are rather inevitable. Even when discussions take place in a constructive manner, it still makes me feel uneasy.
How do I try and fix this? As ever I want my thoughts to be able to come up with innovative solutions, but in reality practice is probably best. What makes this tricky, though, is that I don’t think progress can be made by playing devil’s advocate. When someone disagrees with me, it feels like a personal insult (more hurtful at that), but if they’re disagreeing with an opinion that isn’t mine it’s no longer sufficiently personal. I’ll just have to force myself to argue with people… the things I put myself through.
